How Family Dispute Resolution can help families plan for change
Written by Child Specialist Tarryn Skilling for the Family Advocate.
Despite existing in what could be considered a much simpler time, ancient Greek philosopher Heraclitus’ famous words “the only constant in life is change” still resonate today – particularly for tamariki and whānau navigating separation. Parental separation is not merely a single event; it often unfolds and evolves over time. For many whānau, what begins as a shift in living arrangements becomes an ongoing process of adjustment, requiring continuous adaptation and renegotiation as children’s needs, whānau circumstances and co-parenting relationships evolve.
Such changes can be hard, they can bring uncertainty, disruption, and at times anxiety about what lies ahead. For separated mātua (parents), co-parenting often requires parents and kaitiaki (caregivers) to learn new skills, renegotiate roles, and adapt to shifting whānau dynamics. Whether it’s a tamaiti (child) simply progressing through key developmental stages, whānau relocations, the addition of a new pēpē (baby), re-partnering or the addition of step-children and siblings. Change is not an interruption to family life; it is a defining feature of it.
Children’s needs over time
As well as life’s changes, children’s needs change significantly over the course of their development. Care arrangements that may be appropriate at one developmental stage can quickly become unsuitable as tamariki grow and mature. Research shows that rigid or static arrangements are less likely to meet these changing needs and are more likely to be met with resistance over time.
Care arrangements for tamariki should be safe, consistent, frequent, and predictable. Quality contact with both parents, where appropriate, is fundamental to supporting secure attachment relationships and the long‑term wellbeing of tamariki. As tamariki transition into rangatahi (young people), however, their developmental needs shift. Rangatahi generally require more flexible arrangements that adapt to their academic and extracurricular commitments, and better reflect their growing autonomy and increasing social priorities.
Research indicates that the most effective care arrangements provide a consistent and stable foundation, that enables flexibility and adaptability to ‘grow with’ tamariki and rangatahi as their needs and whānau circumstances change. However, the practicalities of such arrangements are also dependent on the level of co-operation and communication between co-parents, particularly in the context of high conflict or where there are safety considerations.
Families in transition – a changing landscape
Developing sustainable care arrangements has become an increasing challenge as families today navigate a progressively complex sociopolitical and economic landscape, resulting in heightened pressure, financial vulnerabilities and significant uncertainty. Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) practitioners report a rise in urgency, heightened stress, and greater complexity in family dispute cases. This trend is particularly evident as more parents are relocating, both within Aotearoa and internationally, to secure stable employment, access affordable housing, meet the rising cost of living or to access more familial or community support.
These pressures are not just logistical, they directly shape children’s day-to-day experiences and sense of stability. Relocation can disrupt children’s attachment relationships with their parents or caregivers, wider whānau and other important people in their lives. It may also affect their learning and peer relationships due to the need to adjust to new educational and social environments. In addition, relocation can impact a child’s sense of cultural belonging and identity.
Supporting children through change
These changing realities highlight the complexity of determining child focused care arrangements that are both practical and prioritise children’s needs. However, the challenges associated with separation and relocation can be mitigated through the development of clear, flexible and tamariki focused Parenting Agreements, which include considerations for:
predictable yet adaptable schedules
meaningful, planned contact (in-person and virtual where needed, including across distance where practicable)
clear communication methods between parents
a clear process for reviewing, adjusting or updating arrangements over time
support for children’s cultural identity.
In long-distance co-parenting dynamics, maintaining strong relationships often requires more deliberate and creative planning, including scheduled virtual contact, longer but less frequent in-person contact, and clear agreements around travel responsibilities and costs. This requires greater cooperation and quality communication between parents and caregivers, which can be curated through the FDR pathway.
The role of Family Dispute Resolution
FDR plays a critical role in supporting whānau to not only resolve family disputes, but to plan for change in a way that is tamariki focused, developmentally informed, adaptable over time and responsive to each family’s specific circumstances and needs. As a child-inclusive process, FDR meaningfully considers children’s voices, experiences, and developmental needs within mediation. This approach supports parents and caregivers to reach agreements collaboratively, helping to establish more sustainable and resilient co-parenting arrangements that genuinely reflect children’s best interests. As an alternative to, or step before, Family Court, FDR’s collaborative approach has been shown to improve communication, enhance co-parenting relationships, and reduce conflict.
As of 1 July 2025, FDR became a free, nationwide service, delivered by Fair Way as the sole supplier. With the financial barrier removed, FDR offers parents and caregivers an opportunity to regain a sense of stability and control in an otherwise uncertain and high-pressure environment, without the added financial strain.
A further advantage of Parenting Agreements made through FDR is their capacity to be easily reviewed and adjusted as whānau circumstances change. Unlike Parenting Orders, which require a formal court application to vary, Parenting Agreements can be revisited by mutual agreement, offering a more accessible and collaborative approach.
It is important to acknowledge, however, that FDR is not suitable for all whānau. In cases where there is current family violence, tamariki safety concerns or significant power imbalances, alternative pathways may be required to ensure that all parties can participate safely and effectively.
Conclusion
Change is an inevitable part of life, particularly following separation. When whānau are supported to plan not only for their current circumstances, but for what may change over time, they are better equipped to create stable, responsive arrangements that support the wellbeing of tamariki and rangatahi across different developmental stages.
In this way, FDR is not just about resolving disputes, it is about supporting whānau to build Parenting Agreements that can adapt and grow alongside their tamariki. By enabling shared decision-making and a child-focused, flexible approach, FDR helps lay the foundation for more sustainable co-parenting relationships.
This reflects a simple but important reality: there is no one-size-fits-all model for post-separation parenting and recognises that parents are often best placed to understand their children’s routines, needs, and whānau dynamics. Therefore, with tailored support through FDR, whānau can develop arrangements that are grounded in their lived experiences and capable of evolving as their children and lives change.
About the author
Tarryn Skilling is an experienced Social Worker and Child Specialist at Fair Way based in Tāmaki Makaurau. For more on FDR visit www.fairwayresolution.com/fdr
